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 Texas : Features : Columns : "The Girl Detective's Theory of Everything"
Tow Trucks and Snugglers and Snuff, Oh My!
by Elizabeth Bussey Sowdal


Part II
Part III: Snake-Eyes and the GTO
You saw us last, the children and I, stranded on the side of a two lane county road in eastern Tennessee which seemed to be deserted except for us and some oily haired, snake-eyed guy who’s daddy might have picked up a couple of days work as an extra in "Deliverance." Just us and the grasshoppers, but they’re never any help. Loaded down with children and nervous as the proverbial cat, I walked through that August sunshine, which was just as flat white and white-hot in eastern Tennessee that day as it is in Oklahoma in August. We trooped toward the little store and a telephone (I hoped) and Orange Crush (I promised). Mr. Snuggler cruised on past us, his evil-mobile rumbling ominously for lack of a muffler, and I breathed a sigh of relief. I didn’t plague myself with the thought that I had judged Mr. Dude too hastily, because sometimes you just know about a person with a single glance and my glimpse of him told me all I ever needed to know about him. None of it good, but all of it important.

We got inside the store safely. There was air conditioning and Orange Crush and a telephone. Who else could I call that might be able to help but Mrs. B., not too far away in Virginia? Wait there, she advised, she was going to see if her mechanic could drive out and help us. Sit tight, be patient, stay safe.

Which was good advice, of course. The very soundness of this advice made it impossible for me to follow, being who I was and in the state that I was in. I am not referring to the beautiful state of Tennessee, but rather my state – Stupid and Crazy. Not so beautiful. Besides, there was the Cabbage Patch Kid to think of. Hadn’t we promised her we would be back in a very short time? And weren’t all our diapers and suitcases and everything that we owned in that car? Besides, Snake-Eyes had passed us by and everything was going to be okay for the second time in two days. Back we trooped through the sunshine to our car.

We were almost there and getting closer. Poor Tootie’s little girl legs were getting tired and we were all hot and our Orange Crush had worn off. But there was the car, not too far away, and Mrs. B.’s mechanic was headed to the rescue. At first I thought my ears were pounding with the heat and the exertion, but I soon realized that I was hearing an unmufflered and not very well tuned 1972 GTO. "Come on Babies, let’s see how quick we can get to the car." Not so quick, it seemed. You can only expect little five year old legs to go so fast. Piggyback time. Up you go, and hold on tight, isn’t this fun? The air around us pulsed as the GTO and it’s malignant driver got closer, not gunning it you know, as he might have if he wanted to harass us, but kind of lurking back there, panting like a mangy hyena.

Here’s the car, where are the keys? Here’s the key, where is the lock? Here’s the lock, one, two, three, four and we’re in and the door is closed and the door is locked and GTO Man has pulled up beside us with his arm resting on the window frame and his chin resting on his arm, looking at us as if he could pop his jaw out of joint and swallow us up whole like a handful of baby mice. Zero sweat. Looking at us that cold, and that sure and that hungry. Looking at us so intently that he did not notice the highway patrol car which had pulled up almost nose to nose with the primered and Pennzoiled pride of the South, until the highway patrolman whooped his siren.

Ask me what an angel’s voice sounds like if you want, because I can tell you with some assurance that it sounds just like the whoop of a siren. Scraggly Man hadn’t idled up behind us because his car couldn’t go any faster. I know this because that car of his went considerably faster as he pulled out around the highway patrol car, burned rubber, and gunned it down the road, away, away, probably all the way back to Hell. I know what an angel sounded like one hot afternoon in Tennessee and I know that the Devil sometimes drives a GTO.

Things got better after that. Strange and surreal, certainly, but also better.

Part IV: Snuff’s Enough next page
© Elizabeth Bussey Sowdal
"The Girl Detective's Theory of Everything" - February 1, 2005 Column

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