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Excuse
Note
by
John Gosselink
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Alfred. E.
Newmanlink |
Dear
Mr. Editor,
I’m writing to tell you that John doesn’t have his column
done this week. Yes, I know, having been back on the job only for a few weeks
– it’s usually a few months before he starts this nonsense - calling in sick this
early is really unimpressive. He’s given me a list of excuses to choose from,
but I’ve learned it helps my sanity and reputation to stay above his little games.
Therefore, I’ve attached his list and you can decide which one is the least offensive
to your sensibilities. |
John
doesn’t have his column this week because:
He’s
sure the derisive mooing coming from the pasture next door was aimed at him and
is now on a bovine witch-hunt trying to figure out which cow has the attitude.
Now that Yasser
Arafat has passed, he’s busy growing out his facial hair in hopes of earning the
“World’s Worst Beard” title.He’s
defending his dissertation for his sociology Ph.D. – “Why only fat guys who love
to ‘Par-tay’ wear Hawaiian shirts”Last
Tuesday, fairly certain he saw Osama Bin Laden in the canned vegetable section
of the Brookshire Brothers, so he’s spent the last week staked out behind the
okra. Determined
to prove that a watched kettle CAN boil. He does a lot of blank staring in the
kitchen.There
have been several Bigfoot sightings in nearby woods and he’s out there with his
camera looking to cash in (he’s been jogging a lot with his shirt off – I think
there’s a connection) |
Well,
there you go. Choose one to your liking. Wait, here comes monkey boy. Great, he
has some more.
With
Rehnquist ailing, he’s polishing up his resume. Get ready, saying “you know” after
every sentence is about to be unconstitutional.Trying
to figure out this actual joke told to him by his four year old – “What has four
wheels and flies? A duck trying to get to the other side of the street.” Apparently,
he doesn’t get sophisticated, “ New Yorker” type humor.He’s
out managing the incredibly unsuccessful boy band he produced. He thought he followed
the offensive “make pre-teen girls scream and spend” formula correctly while assembling
his band and character types - Grady, the smelly one; Alfred, the one with the
lazy eye; Tiny, the one with weight problem, and the surprisingly spry octogenarian,
Senator Robert Byrd Dem-WV. For some reason, the teenage girls aren’t coming out
in droves.
Is certain growth under his arm is a “buboe” and is paralyzed with fear that he
has the bubonic plague. (It’s obviously just a pimple) After
eliminating Mick Jagger and Warren Beatty, is certain Carly Simon wrote “You’re
so Vain” about him, and is now camped out in front of her Martha’s Vineyard’s
estate demanding an apology. |
Finally,
that should do it. What? (sigh) No, here’s some more.
Is sure that Nashville is primed for the newest achingly insipid dance craze and
is pushing his song “Itchy-twitchy feet” to producers
At work, he came across Thomas Wolfe’s quote, “You can’t go home again,” causing
him to drive around our block aimlessly for three days.Trying
to resurrect his dream of becoming a professional baseball player, he’s been juicing
up on steroids. (Truth be told, it’s not going well. He just looks like a bloated
manatee)Has
already ran out of ideas and is now recycling old bits from a few years ago. |
That should do it. Sadly,
most of these are true.
Sincerely,
The Wife. |
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