| |
Heat
Advisory for the Inept
by John Gosselink
|
Alfred. E.
Newmanlink |
| Seeing
that the temperature is now higher than the average IQ and we haven’t had rain
since the Carter administration, there’s been an emergency meeting of the Inept
Advisory Board. After a lot of confusion, shouting, and a fist fight over who
got to scrape the bottom of the bean dip can with a Frito, the board produced
this summer heat advisory quiz in it’s usual inept manner. So consider yourself
advised. |
- A good way
to beat the heat is
a) Stand in Old Man Warner’s lawn until he turns the hose
on you and shouts “Get off my yard, you no good scalawag / ragamuffin / ne’er-do-well”
and sundry other 1930’s epithets.
b) Sit in a doctor’s air-conditioned waiting
room, and when the nurse asks if she can help you, say “No thanks, I’m just looking.”
c) Hunt down a clown and then naively and repeatedly look into the novelty
flower on his lapel.
d) Affect a Swedish accent to “get in my cool place.”
(Answer
– “a” Old Man Warner is fast on the trigger with his hose, so this is the quickest
cooling off method. Though, if he gets the rake out, you better “skee-dattle,”
another Old Man Warner favorite.)
- Due
to the burn ban, you should refrain from
a) trying to signal aliens with a
tire fire in your back yard
b) that classic filling station joke of squirting
your friend with the gas pump while he’s smoking
c) take it upon yourself
to do a little “controlled burning” in the State Park because you lost your pocketknife
in the underbrush.
d) Napalming your neighbor’s yard because you suspect he’s
been stealing your paper.
(Answer – again “a”. Not only might this start
a fire, but if Tom Cruise and the other Scientologists hear about it, they'll
be camped out in your yard hoping the mother ship will arrive. Believe us, the
last thing you want is to wake up in the morning and seeing an unshaven John Travolta
relieving himself in your Begonias.)
- During
the heat of the day, you shouldn’t
a) challenge random strangers to push-up
contests on Main Street
b) change into your secret crime fighting identity
“Camel Man” and use your super power of not drinking water for 11 days
c) Yodel
d) Enter a Johnny Cash impersonation contest
(Answer – “b” When you
think about it, only having the abilities to not drink water and give people piggyback
rides over long distances isn’t going to be very useful in fighting crime anyway.
Plus, where are you going to find a radioactive camel to bite you anyway?)
- A
good way to conserve water is
a) Wait until your neighbor goes to work than
sneak in and use his bathroom
b) Insist the waitress leave the tea pitcher
at your table so you can pour “just the right amount.”
c) When visitors call,
tell them you would like to offer them a drink, “but, you know, the water saving
thing.”
d) Put a sign on your bird bath informing them that each bird is allowed
one drink a day
(Answer –“a” At least it saves your water)
- An
indication you might be suffering from heat stroke is
a) You feel a bit parched
b) You start yelling at kids for standing on your lawn
c) Your friends start
avoiding you and calling you “Sweaty McHeatstroke”
d) This nonsense actually
seems funny to you
(Answer – “d” You need medical help immediately)
|
| |
