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DIRECTIONS
by John Gosselink
The
state of instruction writing in this country is in total disarray... The evidence
points to our technical writing jobs being shipped out to the cheap labor in third
world markets. | Alfred. E.
Newmanlink |
I finished
putting together the kids' swing set recently, and it was ugly. The state of instruction
writing in this country is in total disarray. I believe this is another example,
if subtle, of forces at work trying to destroy our way of life.
The evidence
points to our technical writing jobs being shipped out to the cheap labor in third
world markets. Right at this moment, some terribly underpaid guy is asking, "What
is this 10 speed thing you speak of?" is being asked in a direction writing sweat
shop in Bangladesh, though in Bangla. His boss is frantically flipping through
a Bangla / English dictionary trying to find the local equivalent, which I believe
is "elephant." So you get 12 pages of detailed steps on assembling, which is interesting,
but not very helpful when you're trying to put together your kid's bike on Christmas
Eve.
With the exception of swing sets; these directions have never been
touched by human hands. Have you heard the theory that if you had a million monkeys,
with a million typewriters, and gave them a million years, eventually one of them
would accidentally type "Hamlet"? This gigantic monkey lair is where my swing
set directions were written. Except it wasn't the smart Shakespeare writing monkey,
it was the dumb one who always throws his droppings at tourists.
This monkey
spends so much time naming every little part CC12b and such that you have no idea
what to do. So I decided to cut through the monkey's superfluous minutia and get
down to the nuts and bolts.
Nuts and bolts? Get it? Oh, that's rich. Puns
and directions in one column.
Anyway, these directions may be a bit unorthodox,
but they work for me. You might want to clip and save them even if you're just
thinking about having kids.
SWING SET ASSEMBLY MADE EASY
TOOLS REQUIRED: Allen wrench, screwdriver,
hammer, blender, 64 box of crayons, a copy of Ayn Rands's "The Fountainhead,"
bath beads.
STEP 1 - Empty contents out of box.
STEP 2 - Decide empty
box would make a neat fort for secret club. Immediately begin drafting club's
constitution, with provisions: all yucky girls, which is pretty much all girls
except for mom, can't be members; Tuesdays will be Opposite Days; and the secret
knock will be "shave and a haircut." Use crayons to make "No trespazin" and "Kep
Owt' signs. (Optional - If you have an especially understanding spouse, have her
call for you as you hide in your box fort snickering).
STEP 3 - Take a well
deserved break.
STEP 4 - Arrange parts in the yard by color. Notice that the
swing chains make a neat shwooshing noise when swung rapidly. Run around yard
swinging chains above head while humming Wagner's "Flight of the Valkeries" and
doing a bad Robert Duvall impression. Pretend to be chasing a wasp when neighbor
asks what you are doing.
STEP 5 - Read first page of directions. Notice monkey
refers to bolts as "male end" and nuts as "female end." Giggle uncontrollably
for 10 minutes. Run inside, call friend and read him the bolt part. Admit it's
not as funny over the phone. You had to be there
STEP 6 - Have a sandwich
with some of those spicy chips, but not the real spicy ones. They're just too
hot to be enjoyable.
STEP 7 - Attach a leg to support with Allen wrench. Wonder
who this Allen guy is and how he got a wrench named after him. Plan campaign to
change name of screwdriver to "screw-gosselink" (insert you name here).
STEP
8 - Needing a break again, retire to box fort and read a few chapters of "The
Fountainhead." Ruminate on Rand's philosophy of ultraconservatism and decide that
though it's a natural reaction to communism and her focus on independence and
self-reliance is admirable, her dismissal of others, the environment, and spirituality
ultimately lead to an empty and soulless approach to life. Give self foot rub.
STEP 9 - Make a margarita.
STEP 10 - Call it a day and take a warm bath, include
healthy amount of bath beads. You've earned them.
STEP 11 - For 10 to 12 days,
mean to finish swing set. But first, finish important projects of completing "Conifer
Trees of Wisconsin" stamp collection and writing angry letter to the editor claiming
people aren't as virtuous as they used to be. Give no evidence or specific examples,
only harangue readers with self-righteous rants and blame Bill Clinton. Enjoy
satisfaction of adding to the public debate.
STEP 12 - Return to swingset project.
Note that scattered poles in the yard have killed the grass, making a pattern.
Call local news claiming to have found alien crop circles. Not circles exactly,
more like ampersands. Offer them exclusive to the Story of the Century!
STEP
13 - Have second thoughts about hoax. When news truck pulls up, hide in box fort
snickering until they go away.
STEP 14 - Stop all the nonsense and attach legs,
swings, and slide. What's the bid deal? Is only a swing set for goodness sakes.
You could train a monkey to do it.
©John Gosselink
"Stumbling
Forward"
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