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Wouldn’t
it be cool
by John Gosselink
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Alfred. E.
Newmanlink |
Wouldn’t
it be cool- If
Satan was standing in line in front of you at the supermarket. You could just
yell, “Satan, get behind me” and get through the line more quickly.
- If
your name was Chester.
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If we greeted each other with salutes rather than shaking hands, especially during
cold and flu season.
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If tailgating was a mortal sin and we knew there was a special ring in Hades for
those jerks.
-
If money did grow on trees so when you hired that neighborhood kid to rake your
lawn, you could tell just to take a bag for himself.
-
If we all had signature music when we entered a room and a laugh track when we
told jokes. (I’ve got dibs on Elvis intro music from his Hawaiian special – that
way I can accompany my entrance with a cool judo kick)
-
If high school was really the best times of our life rather than just a drudging
cycle of testing, football practice, and dating catastrophes.
-
If you were taller.
-
If dumb people realized they were dumb and didn’t purport themselves as experts,
long-winded noisy experts with talk shows.
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If aliens could use their superior technology to find a better way to probe abductees.
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If people with video cameras out for no apparent reason would give you a script
so you would have something to do besides stand there and wave like an idiot.
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If those science magazines in the ‘50’s had been correct and we people of the
21st century had flying cars, robot maids, and meals in pill form instead of 2$
gas, botox, and computerized phone solicitors.
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If knock-knock jokes were scathing social commentaries instead of juvenile puns.
- To
have a unicorn. Though what’s the big deal about a horse with a horn? I guess
he could scratch your back in hard to reach places.
-
If you actually knew someone who said “Too-MAH-toe,” so that dumb “You say ‘Toe-MAY-toe,’
I say ‘Too-MAH-toe’” song would make sense. I think it makes fun of people with
speech impediments, which is mean.
- To
be so un-self-conscious that you can be the fat guy at the concert who takes his
shirt off and dances in front of the stage.
-
If they put a big hole in the top of water towers and let you swim in them, though
if they let little kids in, you might not want to drink the tap water.
-
If you could get your hands on that top-secret religious pun book that gives the
sayings for their signs. (It took me forever to figure out the “Seven days without
church makes one weak” one).
- If
we had prehensile tails. Think how much easier it would be to do the “tap someone
on the opposite shoulder then act like you didn’t” trick.
- If
it would stop hailing!
-
If you really could ride those big dogs, like Great Danes.
- If
all meetings began with a ritualized singing of Queen’s “We will rock you.”
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If clowns were laughing on the inside as well as the outside.
- If
soap operas lived up to their names and were cleaner with more singing.
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If new sneakers really made you run faster like you thought when you were a kid.
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If Oprah Winfrey and Dr. Phil had a fist fight over who had better diet tips.
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If dogs were fluent in Portuguese, then we’d all learn the Portuguese phrases
for “Are you going to finish that sandwich,” “Hey, another dog is close to my
yard so I must freak out,” and “Look where I can lick.” Maybe enough to get us
some college credit hours in a foreign language.
-
If fedoras came back in style. You would look really good in a fedora. And mutton-chop
side burns.
- If
they hadn’t invented “interesting and unique” cell phone ring tones. “Oh, your
phone plays Tim McGraw’s ‘Live like you were dying.’ Great, can’t hear that enough.”
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If you could get “Live like you were dying” out of your head after reading this:
“I’d go sky-diving, Rocky Mountain climbing….
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If columnists would do their jobs and not just turn in lame lists.
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