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Dear
God:
I got to thinking this evening after dinner that I might try something
new. You know how most of the time I sit out here on the porch and talk things
over with you on a fairly regular basis? Well, it occurred to me that you probably
are very busy keeping up with everything and it might just be a better idea to
sit down and write you a letter. That way, you can get to it when you can and
always have something to refer back to if you need to do so.
Not that
I think you might need to, but it's just a suggestion.
Anyway, the way
I figure it, you are kept mighty busy listening to folks all over the world or
wherever and I figure dropping you a note from time to time might be a little
more efficient.
Not that I think you aren't efficient, it's just a thought.
Anyway, I hope when I get to heaven we have some time to just sit down for a while
and let me ask you a few questions, which have been on my mind for sometime now.
I suppose a lot of other folks probably want to do the same and this must take
up a lot of your time so it might make some sense to use this time to jot some
of these questions down and we can discuss them later when I get there.
First
off, my wife and I have this on going disagreement about prayer. She prays for
everything. I only hit you up for the big stuff. The way I figure it, you've got
your hands full making new stars and planets and who knows what all, so little
things like stopped up toilets don't seem to me to be big enough things to pray
about. Most other men I've talked to feel the same way. We just don't want to
bother you all the time with something we can do ourselves. Most of us feel like
it kind of like whining, if you know what I mean.
I forget, of course
you do.
To get to the point, the other night the toilet in our downstairs
bathroom stopped up. I told her to forget about it, just come to bed and call
the plumber in the morning. She said that she'd pray about it and guess what?
The next morning it was unstuck. Of course, she didn't say anything or gloat over
it, but I did get one of those…"See, I told you so" looks.
If you know
what I mean… sorry…I forgot…. you know everything.
She prays for everything,
parking places, rain, you name it and she's on it. I have to admit she does get
to park closer to the door than I do most of the time, but the way I see it you
let me get the space furthest from the grocery store door because you know I need
the exercise. Same thing goes for airports. If she's late getting there, the plane
is late arriving. Me? I better have my buns in there on time every time. If I'm
late the plane leaves early, if I'm early the plane leaves late. Sometimes it
doesn't leave at all. I just figure you have a good reason for that.
I'm
going to list some of the things I'd like to ask you about when you get some time
and after I get there. Please don't interpret this letter as an indication that
I'd like to go now; I'll wait for you to make that decision. Take your time; I'm
in no hurry.
First off I recently wrote a couple of articles about men
getting lots of nose and ear hair. I guess you saw them. What I'd like to know
is why the hair in our ears and noses grows so fast and long and nothing sprouts
on our heads? Also just what did we need an appendix for in the first place? Is
a platypus a mistake or were you just playing with us? Are there dogs in heaven?
Do I get to choose my new body in heaven or is this something you've already done
for me once I get here? I have some suggestions on this item if it's going to
be left up to me.
I suppose that's about it for today. I think this works
a lot better doing it this way. At least I feel better than just sitting out there
throwing some words up into the air and hoping that you're at home and can hear
me. Doing it this way is sort of more permanent and just feels better.
So,
that takes care of that. I'm glad we had this little chat. You don't have to answer
any of those questions I asked; I can wait to hear them later.
I would
like to know about the toilet, though.
© Peary Perry
Letters
From North America
- April 15, 2006 column
Syndicated weekly in 80 newspapers
Comments go
to www.pearyperry.com
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