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With
the smells of the holidays (among other things) still hanging in
the air, it's time for another one of those annoying "Year in Review"
segments that make you want to drown yourself in leftover Rotel
dip. But this time, there will be no mention of President Trump's
various antics that caused a monsoon of pant wetting on CNN, the
dumpster fire (and not the good kind) that was the Brett Kavanaugh
Supreme Court confirmation hearings, or the romaine lettuce scare
that validated Cinnabon fans everywhere. Instead, I'll focus on
the truly important events of this past year-to me, anyway.
I'll begin with my eldest and most expensive daughter, who, like
thousands of teenagers all over the country, extracted her face
from her cell phone screen just long enough to earn her learner's
driving permit this past year. Because she also managed to participate
in another activity that expended enormous quantities of my time
and money, she drove us across town at 6:30 each morning for her
high school dance/drill team practice. The upside to this parental
abuse was that there are few things more effective at bringing your
nervous system (especially the part that controls involuntary buttock
clenching) fully awake at that time of day than a novice teenage
driver.
Speaking of nervous system trauma, my middle daughter also achieved
a common teenager milestone in 2018-her first boyfriend. Despite
my offering to make her the sole heir of whatever her older sister
doesn't spend if she would wait until I've been embalmed to acknowledge
the existence of all non-relative males, she became a victim of
puppy love. Unfortunately, the only similarities to puppies I could
see were lots of whimpering, drooling and worries about bacterial
transmission. I also warned the young man in question that my daughter
hadn't been wormed lately. (She still isn't talking to me-unless
she needs cash.)
While we're on the topic of puppies, my youngest daughter, who rarely
asks for anything, other than retaining all the rights and privileges
associated with her title as the baby of the family, requested a
puppy for her birthday. Against my better judgement, I began the
search for an addition to our domestic animal reserve. My only requirements
were that the droppings from said puppy (fully grown) must not exceed
the size of a Tootsie Roll Snack Bar. Within a couple of weeks,
I was able to procure what appeared to be a wad of white dryer lint
with eyeballs. In addition to taking the cuteness factor to cosmic
levels, the puppy's only other purpose in life seems to be finding
creative ways to soil the carpet, usually when we have company.
In the 2018 world of sports, I was cajoled into playing in an annual
kickball game at work, ostensibly for the sake of team building
and comradery. I soon discovered, though, that the true purpose
of this event was to provide amusement for my colleagues in the
audience-who laughed so hard that they risked damage to their internal
organs when I showed up in a tank top and a pair of Nike training
pants that fit better in 2010. The announcer of the contest accused
me of wearing "skinny britches" like some millennial hipster fresh
from an artisanal oatmeal tasting. I had a good mind to pull on
my slouchy beanie and ride away on my unicycle. I swallowed my pride,
though, and went on with the game. Luckily, I was able to walk normally
again within about two weeks.
Although there were many other important events that shaped 2018,
like Travel and Leisure's report of a Transavia Airlines flight
that was forced to make an emergency landing in Vienna, Austria,
due to a passenger's incessant and brazen wind breaking, I hope
this retrospect has at least captured some of the other essences
of the year that was. So as we careen into 2019 with hope and anticipation,
let's all heat up some Rotel dip and turn on CNN. (Don't forget
your snorkel.)
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