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Spring
in always announces
its arrival with an annual tree-pollen allergy apocalypse, followed
by our own version of monsoon season, when most residents consider
trading in their pickups for four-wheel drive dinghies. All of the
rain and foliage-philandering gives rise to the need for some serious
yard work, which many of us look forward to with the same anticipation
we feel when it's time to visit Dr. Auger for a thorough colonoscopy.
Below are a few steps that will ensure your yard will be pristine
and inviting to the neighborhood canine population looking for a
place to mark their territory-including the area between your bare
toes when you walk out to get the mail.
Step 1: Wear proper attire
While working in the yard, it's important to wear protective clothing,
and by "protective," I mean something that will keep you from scandalizing
the neighbors when you bend over repeatedly to pull the cord on
your mower. Since I can't seem to work in jeans that don't take
a trip to Plumbersville after about thirty minutes, this year, I
visited Walmart to invest in a pair of overalls- and while I was
there, some lunch meat and toilet cleanser. It had been a while
since I had worn overalls (forty years to be exact), and when I
clipped on that second shoulder strap, I suddenly felt compelled
to chew some tobacco and plant forty acres of sorghum-whatever that
is.
Step 2: Go to Lowe's-again
Once properly dressed, the domestic yard work person should proceed
to a local home and garden center to purchase supplies, which may
include mulch, enriched topsoil, peat moss, and other products that
will make your yard smell like a feed lot. Be prepared to make several
return trips to the garden center because you will continually fail
to purchase enough mulch, enriched topsoil, and peat moss due to
the fact that many of these products are measured in cubic feet.
I don't remember learning about cubic feet in Coach Nickerson's
tenth-grade geometry class, but, then again, I spent most of my
time trying to identify the righteous perfume of the totally bodacious
babe seated directly in front of me. (Calvin Klein didn't name it
Obsession for nothin'.)
Step 3: Seek first aid treatment
Regardless of how careful you try to be, yard work will inevitably
result in injury (often to your feelings). This year, my pain and
suffering resulted from an attempt to groom two large poolside palm
tree thingies we planted a few years ago when we were trying to
turn our back yard into a tropical paradise-and wound up with what
looks more like a wilderness location for "Naked and Afraid." I'm
not certain what type of palm tree thingies we have, but I'm pretty
sure they are of the species painin debuttis, featuring spikes,
blades, and other pointy appendages intent on testing my manly resistance
to openly sobbing. (Ok, so I ugly-cried a few times, but there was
blood!)
Step 4: Prepare for interruptions
The domestic yard work person should anticipate interruptions at
any moment, especially if he or she has children. My first interruption
this year came just as I was hitting my yard work stride-sitting
in the shade and playing with Snapchat filters. (Have you seen the
one that looks like you have French fries up your nose? Hilarious!)
I received an urgent call from one of my daughters, who was having
some kind of after-school four-alarm sports bra emergency and needed
me to bring her favorite one immediately, which is the only time
frame in which my three daughters operate. When I arrived at the
school, she met me at my car, and-apparently horrified by my new
overalls-begged me not to get out, lest her friends see me and we
all have to move to Bangladesh.
Ultimately, yard work can be truly fulfilling. The fresh air, sunshine,
and occasional profuse bleeding really gets a person in touch with
nature-even a consummate indoorsman like me.
Just remember to wear close-toed shoes, especially when you walk
out to get the mail.
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