Along
with uplifting news stories about the COVID-19 variants, former President
Trump's second impeachment trial, and Tom Brady's unmitigated gall
to continue winning Super Bowls that include terrible halftime entertainment,
we've also been learning about new victims of the so-called "cancel
culture," in which individuals are randomly selected to be ostracized
from the "We're Good and You're a Stinky Poo-Poo Head Club" of social
and professional life.
Just recently, "The Mandalorian" star Gina Carano was "canceled" by
Lucasfilm for her offensive social media posts-and for having larger
biceps than most of her male co-stars. (Ironically, Baby Yoda continues
to maintain celebrity status, even after heartlessly devouring several
of the alien Frog Lady's tadpole eggs in season 2.)
Instead of wallowing in the controversy of the cancel culture's inconsistencies,
I'd like to propose that we put this phenomenon to good use by cancelling
some of the more egregious annoyances inflicted upon the American
people-especially me.
First, I say we cancel the way laundry detergent bottles are designed
to permanently hold hostage at least one full underwear load's worth
of liquid when the container is supposedly empty. Sure, I could solve
the problem by using those pre-measured Tide pods, but then I'd have
to worry about my daughters' two doglets accidentally swallowing them
and destroying even more of my grass, notwithstanding the yard's subsequent
fresh, clean scent.
Speaking of pets and underwear, I wish the good Lord would cancel
static electricity during the winter months. Not only does it cause
the doglets to drag most of the grass they kill back into the house
with them, but there's also the problem of its effect on my wife's
and daughters' undergarments. Apparently, ladies' unmentionables are
electrically predisposed to adhere to the lower inside legs of my
pants when they come out of the dryer, choosing only to release themselves
while I'm at work, the gym, or at church. Try explaining that to your
boss-or a deacon.
Another candidate for cancellation is the practice of restaurants
seating screaming children within shattering distance of my eardrums.
During an outing for dinner at the local Olive Garden with my wife
and three teenage daughters, the only screaming I should hear is my
own when I get the bill. Now, don't get me wrong. I understand that
families with small children have every right to go out to eat at
restaurants. I just wish they were seated in a more distant location,
like Greenland.
Another candidate for cancellation is the robocall I get repeatedly
from exotic cities like Snowflake, Arizona, with that guy claiming
he has spent every waking moment trying to contact me about my car's
extended warranty. First of all, what does this dude know about the
non-existent warranty on my 2013 Ford Expedition that vaguely smells
like a wet sock and has a five-year-old Starbuck's coffee beverage
stain on the rear floorboard? Secondly, I really don't appreciate
the massive letdown I experience after having been so excited and
intrigued that I'm receiving a call from Snowflake, Arizona, rather
than from one of my three daughters asking for cash.
In addition to the everyday aggravations noted above, there are numerous
other irritating aspects of life to criticize and even banish without
turning on our fellow citizens. While I certainly believe strongly
in accepting consequences for our choices, I say we follow the example
of the Bible (and my wife when I screw up) to admonish one another,
bear with one another and ultimately forgive one another. In other
words, we should hold fast to our beliefs, accept our differences
and live in a spirit of love and unity-unless, of course, you bring
your screaming kid with you to the Olive Garden. |
HOME
