Texas Expressions

As we hurtle through time farther and farther from old-time Texas, I’m basically all for the convenience of high-tech communication. I wear two leather cell phone cases on my belt like an old shootist packing two pistols.

But I do worry about what email and texting is doing to the beauty of Texas talk, that profusion of similies and rich metaphors many of us use to make a point.

The other day, for instance, I was talking to a soon-to-be-79-year-old Texan who told me that as a young man he had been “country as a gourd dipper.” That sounds, and reads, so much better than “naïve” or “rube” even if it does take a few more words to get the idea across.

Other expressions impart wisdom in a few choice words.

For years, I have collected Texas expressions like some people do postage stamps. Herewith, in no particular order, a sampling. Feel free to email me with more.

“[Whatever] would spook a stick horse.”

“Harder to get rid of than a hair in a biscuit.”

“Busier than the devil on New Year’s Eve.”

“So dusty the rabbits are digging holes six feet in the air.”

“The wind’s blowing like perfume through a prom.”

“She could talk a coon right out of a tree.”

“He’s got a ten-gallon mouth.”

“He’s yellow as mustard, but without the bite.”

“It’s so hot the hens are laying hard-boiled eggs.”

“Fell like a king bolt from a new wagon.”

“Let’s hit these biscuits with a dab of gravy.”

“Don’t taunt the alligator until you cross the creek.”

“Hotter than the devil’s anvil.”

“Thin as November ice.” (Caution: Sounds suspiciously like a Yankee expression.)

“Thin as turnip soup.”

“If a frog had side pockets, he’d pack a pistol.”

“Hotter than a Laredo parking lot.”

“That’s about as much fun as a flood in a Fizzies factory.”

“More pull than a federal judge.”

“Laughs like a hen with hiccups.”

“We lived so far out in the country we had to go back toward town to find a place to hunt.”

“That’s like picking a cow paddy up on the clean end.”

“[Any awkward situation between two people] is like being paired with a [short person] in the 3-legged race at the church picnic. Somebody’s gonna get his feelings hurt.”

“Broken more times than the 10 Commandments.”

“Screaming like a Dallas debutante at a race riot.”

“Smiling like a possum eating catfish innards through a fence.”

“Going down like Lottie’s eye.”

“Shakier than cafeteria Jell-O.”

“Beat [him/it/them] like a rented mule.”

“Beat him like a red-headed step son.”

“Beat me like they owned me.”

“Busy as a bee in a tar barrel.”

“Neater than a wren’s nest.”

“Eyes looked like two fried eggs in a porcelain skillet.”

“Stood out like a pearl on a fur cushion.”

“I’ve helped up old poor cows that didn’t look that bad.”

“[Whatever] standing around like a wet well rope with a knot in it.”

“[To look with scrutiny] like a bald eagle watching a frog pond.”

“Smiled...as cunningly as a kitten waiting for its first mouse.”

“Glaring like a black panther.”

“She has buck teeth so bad she can chew corn through a picket fence (or chew tomatoes through a tennis racket.)”

“Built like a brick outhouse.”

“Eyeballs as big as doorknobs.”

“Smiling like a half-mad bobcat.”

“Clean as a hound’s tooth.”

“Ugly as homemade soap.”

“Ugly as homemade sin.”

“Pretty as a picture.”

“He was so ugly, people’s clothes wrinkled when he walked by.”

“Prettier than a purchase order.”

© Mike Cox
"Texas Tales" September 23, 2010 column