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Interview
with Baby New Year by Maggie Van Ostrand
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Have
you ever wondered about the gender of the New Year's Eve baby? It's
probably male, considering that outfit. No girl baby would go out
wearing just a diaper and a chest banner with the year on it, especially
not in January when one's nipples react to the cold weather.
We all make New Year's resolutions like quitting smoking, spending
more time with our families, eating less junk food, but what kind
of resolutions do you think that baby could tell us about?
Even though our Resolutions may become somewhat elastic as the year
trudges on, we probably all write pretty much the same ones. But what
about the unusual Resolutions? Who'd know about them? The New Year
Baby, that's who. The very same gurgling baby who symbolizes the New
Year is definitely the one to ask.
We tracked the baby down as he was picking up his banner from the
dry cleaners for the annual trip to Times Square, and got the following
answers.
Q: You're a boy baby, right?
A: See this top hat on my head? Who'd you think I was, Fred
Astaire?
Q: Since you mentioned Fred's name, what's yours? We can't
keep calling you Baby New Year.
A: Kid Time, that's my moniker. I've been playing this gig
since 600 B.C. Back then I was Greek, but it was the Germans who brought
me to America. You think immigration problems are bad now? You should’ve
been around then. Even if you could get across the border into the
U.S., you could never find a decent hotel room.
Q: Do I sense a tad of hostility in your attitude?
A: What do you expect after a year like this. Ever heard of
Katrina?
Q: Since I assume you're the one to talk with about New Year's
Resolutions, what are some unusual ones?
A: Well, there was the one that said, "Take time from schedule
to stop and smell the behinds."
Q: What?
A: Yes, you heard right. I was really shocked until I found
out that the list it appeared on was Lassie's.
Q: Any other odd Resolutions?
A: How about, "Never leave the glass half full."
Q: Whose Resolution is that?
A: Ted Kennedy's.
Q: Tsk tsk tsk, that's quite naughty of you to repeat.
A: I haven't revealed the most unusual of all.
Q: Oh please, do tell. Maybe we can sell the information to
the National Enquirer.
A: Okay, I can be bought. It's this one: "Get Shorty."
Q: Who wrote that one, John Travolta?
A: Nope. Michael Jackson.
Q: We can't publish that because we're scared of a lawsuit,
but thanks anyway, Kid Time, for a most unique interview. We appreciate
your turning down Oprah's show in favor of us.
A: It's not that I liked you better than Oprah, it's that her
guest list is so long, by the time she gets me out of the green room,
I'll be a bent over old man with a beard and that dumb looking scythe.
That's what happens after a year of watching all of you not keeping
your Resolutions.
Q: What's your personal 2006 New Year's Resolution, Kid Time?
A: Write to the government and tell them they made a big mistake
in selling that weather machine to Osama bin Laden. |
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